Get a Wife Category: General   Jul 15th 2014  11:20AM   0

I was approached recently by a potential client who assumed I would adjust my sleep/wake cycle to accommodate his late night lifestyle. I go to bed at 11pm every night, which is stated clearly on my website (the one he purported to have read). Here's the rest of our conversation:

HE: But I'm a musician and we keep late hours. You can't expect me to change my lifestyle and go to bed early.

ME: I don't care what time you go to bed. 

HE: What am I supposed to do after 11pm, watch you sleep?

ME: That sounds incredibly creepy ... so, no.

HE: How are you going to hang with me if you go to bed so early?

ME: Wait, you're appalled to think I'd try to alter your bedtime (which I wouldn't and didn't) but it's totally acceptable for you to alter mine? You do realize that sleep deprivation is a form of torture, right?

HE: I want to make this work but you're going to have to compromise at some point.

That was the end of the conversation (partly because I couldn't stop laughing long enough to reply). The thing is, my goal with every encounter is a win-win and if I'm allowed the space to make that happen, I will, every time. If he would've just released his need to control every little detail (the above conversation was a fraction of the situation), we'd have had a ball. He'd have gotten everything he needed, desired, and more.

This is what I do, it's where the term "professional" comes in. You have to trust that I know what I'm doing, otherwise why not save the money and just troll a singles bar? Or buy a mail order bride?

The idea that a man seeks out a professional companion, find one he likes enough to request a weekend with in Miami, and is then shocked that her clearly stated policies aren't negotiable, is just plain ridiculous, even bizarre. I'm not sure he quite grasps what professional companionship is all about, which is sad considering how badly he needs it. I should've sent him to SeekingArrangement.com, although on second thought, those girls have enough to deal with. 

All I know is this. If you want flaky, get a sugar-babe. If you want needy, get a girlfriend. If you want simplicity, reliability, discretion and the highest quality intimate companionship available, hire a pro. But honey, if you want compromise, get a wife.  


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